


only hope

by clayisforgirls



Category: Tennis RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-16
Updated: 2015-07-16
Packaged: 2018-04-09 16:59:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4357166
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/clayisforgirls/pseuds/clayisforgirls
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"he's not thinking as he brushes a kiss over lips he knows so well, eyes closing as he feels a shiver run through Mardy, pressing just a tiny bit more"</p><p>Originally posted in June 2006.</p>
            </blockquote>





	only hope

There's only one good thing about losing a match, and it's because for the most part, everyone is interested in the winner.

He's glad he's alone as he walks the stairs back to the locker room, taking one step at a time, giving him more than enough time to think about what just happened on court, although he knows exactly why he lost. Knew even before the match that he would.

The reason begins with an 'm' and ends in an 'h' and there's a bunch of other letters in between those, but that doesn't really matter right now.

Except when he steps into the locker room, he wasn't exactly expecting the reason to be sitting there, knees pulled up onto the bench, back to the door, and Andy can't make himself even say hello as he drops his bag onto the furthest bench away from the blonde, trying not to look but failing miserably, and when blue eyes meet hazel for a split second, he doesn't want to look away.

Apparently, Mardy can't either, and he offers a small smile, and somehow Andy manages one back though he doesn't know how, because he'd prefer Mardy far, far away from here right now. He's not in the mood to face the man who fucked with his head and lost him the match, though really, it's not Mardy's fault. It's his fault, because he hasn't quite worked out how to deal without him yet. At least not when he's playing James.

Just thinking about that makes his heart ache, and so it's him who looks back down, sinking onto the bench with just a tiny creak after slipping his shirt off, back curved as he rests his head in his hands.

He's a moron, not being able to put Mardy out of his head, Mardy and James together, not being able to string enough points together that weren't service winners to make it through a match. And now he's back to being Andy Roddick, one shot wonder, and he knows he's not. Anyone else and he's sure he would have been fine.

Without Mardy, he doesn't feel like he should be winning. And especially not beating people who Mardy left him for, the blonde the best thing that has and probably ever will happen to him, because there will never be another Mardy. He's just glad they're friends still, though that's a joke, it's strained, Andy still too in love and Mardy knows it, and he can't be around Mardy without wanting to kiss him.

This isn't an exception.

And somehow, he hadn't noticed James come in, and when he looks back over at Mardy there's his kiss, the one that Mardy always gave him, the one pressed to the corner of his mouth as he grinned from ear to ear and suddenly he feels sick, violently ill, because he doesn't want to see this, doesn't want to hear them talk about winning. Not when he's a loser, both on and off the court.

Eyes are glued to the floor until he hears the door to the showers open and close again, and he knows he's alone with Mardy, quiet footsteps on the floor come closer and closer until they stop, and then he hears the creak of a bench across from him as Mardy sits.

"What happened, And?" the quiet, familiar voice asks him once they're alone. "You should have won."

"I know," he almost growls, eyes rising to meet Mardy's, anger bubbling below the surface and he pushes it down, hands curling around the wood of the bench. "It should have been mine again, Mar," and this time he's quieter, anger gone, just disappointment in every word, and he can't quite take his eyes from the brilliant blue he's missed, not yet. Just wants a few minutes more, because he's missed Mardy more than he's ever going to admit to anyone but himself.

There's silence for a few moments, until there's the creak of wood, three footsteps until Mardy's next to him, and they haven't been this close for months, wants nothing more than to bury his face in Mardy's shoulder and cry but he can't. Mardy isn't his anymore, but as the blonde runs a hand through his still short hair, thumb brushing a tear from his cheek that he hadn't realised was there, it's almost like old times.

"This isn't you, Andy," and he pauses, hand suddenly gone and when Andy looks over at him Mardy's hands are wound together in his lap, "you don't lose like this on grass."

"I do now." His answer is short, sharp, meant to get Mardy away from him, because if he's this close for much longer he knows he'll do something he can't, something he's not meant to, except it doesn't work on Mardy, he should know that, the blonde always pushing a little more than everyone else around him. "You really want to know what's wrong, Mar? Because you won't like the answer."

"I'm worried about you," and there's a softness there Andy hasn't heard for a long time, he knows it's real, Mardy can't fake that with him, the hand sliding down the back of his neck not helping his resistance at all, and he nods slowly, turning to Mardy, soft, inviting mouth barely two inches away and he's not thinking as he brushes a kiss over lips he knows so well, eyes closing as he feels a shiver run through Mardy, pressing just a tiny bit more before he pulls away.

"You," and he doesn't get a reaction, wasn't expecting one, not after that kiss, "you're the reason, Mar. I don't... without you... it's hard. I just, I miss you," and he's nuzzling Mardy without realising it, kisses pressed up his neck and Mardy's not running, and god, he hopes this is a good sign because he's missed it, "I just can't do it. And the whole time I was on court I couldn't stop myself thinking about you, and how you love him more than me and Mar, if you want him more than me then, then I don't deserve to win."

He's staring into watery blue eyes again, kiss gently pressed to his cheek, lips left there for too long before he pulls Mardy into another soft kiss, hand tangled in dark blonde hair, foreheads resting together gently.

"Missed you, Mar," he murmurs against an inviting mouth, stealing another kiss as Mardy goes to say something because he can't resist, Mardy's here, he's so close and he's not running, and he's clinging to that tiny bit of hope that Mardy wants him back. He's not sure what he'll do if Mardy doesn't; he's already been crushed once today, he doesn't think he can take another rejection. Not right now, not after he's sitting in the locker room close to tears over a match he knows he should have won.

"Andy..." and he pulls away, and Andy's heart breaks, the look of disappointment in Mardy's eyes enough to make him want to bolt to the safety of the showers. "This isn't-"

"Don't say it, please," he says, standing quickly, away from Mardy in seconds, grabbing a towel, not looking back until he reaches the door to the showers. And then he turns, sees Mardy still sitting there, head in his hands and it's all he can do not to run back to Mardy, kiss him until it's better but he knows it won't solve anything.

"I'm sorry," he says quietly, Mardy's shoulders slumping a little more the only way he knows he heard it, "but I miss you."

He doesn't want an answer, doesn't need one because he knows what Mardy's going to say, and so he just pushes open the door to the showers, slipping past James' until he reaches the end stall.

It's only once the shower's running that he lefts himself cry, the water hitting the tiles drowning out the sound of his sobs.

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from "Only Hope" by Mandy Moore.


End file.
